I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
