i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
