My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
