I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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