I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
