I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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