I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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