My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
