Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
