all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
