You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
