Your dad touched me again.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
