They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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