Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
