the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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