Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
