Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
