I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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