i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
MIDGETS
????
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
