I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
