I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
