Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
