maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
