he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
