When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
