We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
