I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
