So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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