so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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