the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
