I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
