ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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