Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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