It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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