so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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