Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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