I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
