Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
