shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
