if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
