my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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