Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
