I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
