yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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