I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
