I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i out mim tonsoeep
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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