god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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