just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
