My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
