Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
